Another year has gone by!

Hello again (*insert sheepish look*). Yet again I've neglected this page; I'm afraid I have no real excuse, save for the fact that life just... got in the way, I guess. I've been REALLY busy and just couldn't find the energy to maintain this site. I guess you could say a lot has changed in the past year - it doesn't feel that way to me, I guess because I've been living it, but when I went trawling back through some of the older posts here I realised how much I've grown as a person.

I seem destined to periodically forget this blog; no worries, because at least I come back to it! The same could not be said of my previous sad attempts at blogging (I've discussed this in detail before, but let's just say I wasn't great at the whole process). I've written more on here than I've ever written about my personal interests in my life! Keeping a physical journal doesn't appear to work for me, despite numerous attempts at various styles of journalling. Also, if I fuck it up, you can't erase it the way you can online. Just a simple edit and it's like it never happened. (We could talk about how your digital footprint remains forever and nothing is ever really gone from the internet, but I doubt anyone really cares if there are spelling mistakes on a random blog site in the deep dark web.) I've definitely noticed a pattern in my updating; it is easier to keep on top of posting when I don't have to juggle my personal life, my work and university all at once - university is such a big time suck that I don't really have much space to breathe between studies and work, so I tend to leave this alone in favour of those 'more important' things. Perhaps I ought to set update reminders for this blog...

What has changed for me this past year? Well, a lot, I'd say. Work has gotten a lot more challenging and more rewarding, so I've been kept very busy by that. I'm still a support worker for the same little boy, and I absolutely love spending time with him; I never ended up doing PA work at his mum's office, which is totally fine because there's plenty of paperwork and organisation to keep on top of at home. Personally, I've been pretty much the same, though I have had a couple hair disasters that involved me going platinum for a while before trying (and failing) to return to a dark blonde colour. I'm close to my natural colour now, and plan on leaving it alone for a good while if I can (because I bleached the ever-loving shit out of it, the hair doesn't want to hold colour anymore, so it fades quite fast after being done at the salon). I'm doing really well at school - my grades were good enough to warrant an invite to the Golden Key International Honour Society, which I accepted as I would be stupid not to, and I have also been invited as a member of that group to attend an international diplomatic relations workshop later on this year. I'm pretty chuffed at this - it's nice to get a little recognition for hard work, though I have to admit I dislike talking about it in public (I think most people who aren't twits have the same hang-up about boasting though). I did my first professional teaching practice last year; not the glowing triumph I hoped for, but not the crash-and-burn catastrophe I was expecting. I passed with very good commentary and useful critiques, and I hope to do better this year. I was VERY nervous at the prospect of teaching kids who, in reality, aren't much younger than myself (they are also all taller than me, which intimidated me more than a little), and that affected me a little bit. Towards the end of the practical I started getting the hang of it though, and I was quite sad to leave, actually.

In terms of collecting, my tastes have changed pretty dramatically. Reading back on these posts made me cringe a little, actually, given how much I've contradicted myself in my purchasing habits over the past year. Reading back will tell you that I am die-hard against any Star Wars figure scale but 3.75" - well... I'm a 6" junkie now. I know, what a hypocrite. My dislike stemmed from the pretty poor likenesses Hasbro delivered for the line, particularly Rey (my favourite character, and I will fight you for her honour if necessary) - when they re-released Rey with the lightsaber in 6", the figure featured a MUCH better paint application. It went from uggo-man to somewhat-like-Daisy, and I caved. I bought it. And then I compared it to 3.75" scale. I really felt like I was getting the good shit with this new 6" figure, and wondered how the hell I had cheated myself of this revolutionary experience. What quickly followed was an acquisition of Kylo Ren (unmasked), Finn, Jyn Erso and Cassian Andor, followed by a HUUUUUUGE love of Marvel and Marvel Legends (I have too many MCU Legends figures for my tiny room, and I regret NOTHING), quickly followed by Leia and Luke from the 40th Anniversary line. More recently, I got Jedi Training Rey, Poe Dameron, Maz, Darth Vader (40th) and Ahsoka Tano.

Despite my clear love of the line, I was kinda let down by the likenesses of the Hasbro Black Series figures. Some of the characters didn't matter so much to me, but my one need was a definitive action figure of Rey that ACTUALLY looked like Daisy Ridley. The Hasbro Jakku version was only okay; when they stepped up the paint apps with Jedi Training Rey the figure was pretty, but not Daisy-pretty. My obsession with Rey led me to purchasing the S.H. Figuarts 6" scale action figure of her in December last year. Holy fuck. The figure was UNREAL, with brilliant articulation, a creepy-good likeness and a really solid quality feel. Now, I'm really into the Figuarts line. My poor, poor wallet. I just couldn't help myself. They ARE expensive, especially when you're shipping them internationally (and especially when you're in Australia), but the quality is so worth it. The great thing is that they don't look awful standing next to the Black Series figures; they're all more-or-less in scale with one another (the Figuarts tend to run a little shorter than their Black Series equivalents, but only by like a millimetre or so). Obviously, the Black Series does look a little cheap in comparison, but they can be utilised together. Figuarts has a more balanced range of figures compared to the Black Series (barely any prequel love there), though the Black Series is the only one who has attempted to represent the various alien races that are a part of the Star Wars universe. Figuarts only have Chewbacca. Nonetheless, I do ultimately prefer the Figuarts line to the Black Series line, though I will be jumping between both as I feel like it.

Ah! Bewwwdiful :)

Now that the Black Series has begun phasing in photo-realistic face printing, the gap between Figuarts and Black Series has become much smaller. That being said, the tech used by Hasbro leaves their faces looking waxy and blurred, whereas the Figuarts line appears much sharper and much more realistic. Also, the Figuarts joint system appears to be more advanced, and the plastic is an overall better quality. Not to mention that each figure comes with at least three extra pairs of hands, and usually at least two other accessories (such as alternate portraits or weaponry), whereas Hasbro only has two or three accessories at the most. I do feel you are getting your money's worth more so with Figuarts than with Hasbro, but that is just a matter of personal preference; Hasbro figures are plentiful, cheap and readily available internationally. The introduction of new technology for Hasbro is a great thing for lovers of both lines, as it will allow for easier integration of figures in display. I do not yet have any of the new Black Series figures with this printing (I have no desire for the Rey as I feel I've got the ONE with Figuarts' Rey), I've got my eye on a couple that have recently been previewed at NYTF and am hoping these go into production soon.

I hope to update more frequently from now on; that is, I hope that the gap between updates is less extreme than the gap between this and the previous post. I will continue to post the content I've always done, such as reviews, personal commentary, discussions and anything random I can think of. This blog is a great way for me to get thoughts from my head out into the universe - I hope you can find something interesting on this page while you are here. Thanks for reading!

Achieving my personal goals

Sorry for the incredible amount of time that has passed between updates! I want to say that I've been super busy (which I guess I have been), but truthfully I think I just forgot this blog even existed. Fail! So, I thought I'd take this opportunity to reintroduce my life to you all, seeing as heaps has changed from the last post to now. Here we go.

For the past couple of years I've been struggling with depression. It sucks, wanting to do things but having no energy to do it; wanting to get out and socialise but not wanting to make the effort; to go out and have fun but wanting to curl up in the dark and sleep. Feeling anxious and yet not caring at the same time. Feeling everything and nothing all at once. I had quite a struggle last year, when I finally acknowledged that there was a problem that I didn't want to address. Lately, though, I've been doing much better. I'm on a pretty high dose of anti-depressants, and while it is a little scary to think about how much I depend on them to get me through each day, I'm relieved to know that my brain is finally working the way it should. 

I've been seeing a psychologist ever since my little breakdown a couple years ago, and she's been helping me figure out who I am and how I'm going to get through each day. She set me a number of goals at the beginning of 2016; I would make the effort to be more assertive, I'd do study and exercise, I'd get a job and I'd try to overcome my anxiety and get my licence. I've been good at some of these; I skipped the back-chatting stage of puberty, so I'm more than making up for it now (kinda bad, I know, but keep in mind I never used to say what I was really thinking when someone treated me unfairly). I'm able to communicate normally with people on a daily basis without needing to rehearse the conversation, without my heart literally pounding with the anxiety of what I was about to do. I'm confident and happy in my own skin (I used to be addicted to makeup 24/7 because I hated my body and how I looked), and I'm slowly making the effort to socialise more with my friends and other people. 

The biggest issue I've had was finding a job - I've been looking since I finished school last year, but no one wanted to hire me. Seeing as I've never had a job before, I was an entry-level employee that - at 18 -  couldn't be paid a 16-year-old's entry-level pay, so no one wanted to hire me when they could hire another person for less pay. I'm also not experienced enough for the more professional jobs that my particular age group calls for; that is, they assumed I would have experience as an 18 year old.  That and the driving thing. It took me seven goes to pass my Practical Driving Assessment because I got so anxious in the car with a stiff stranger who would be assessing how well I drove. But I finally passed it, and then had to do another 25 hours of driving before I went and sat my Hazard Perception Test. I finished this and went to sit my HPT; more below.

I'm pleased to be able to say that I found a job!!!! I was on all these job search sites, trying and failing to secure a job. One of my uni friends recommended placing an ad on Gumtree, basically saying I was looking for work. I got a couple dodgy replies (I didn't know there were sugar daddies on this side of Australia), but I also got one from a lovely woman who lives in my suburb. We texted and called back-and-forth, I went for an interview in October last year, right before my 19th birthday, and I got the job! She's a single mother with two children, one of whom I'm a priary carer for. He's a little boy with a profound disability (I won't say anything to protect the family's anonymity) that physically and mentally impairs him; he's a teenager, but looks around 6, and acts around 2. He's non-verbal, legally blind, and has several other difficulties that that regularly pose a threat to his safety. But, he's absolutely beautiful, and I've really enjoyed spending the time I have with him so far. He pretends he's more disabled than he is to get what he wants; he's brilliant at bribery and manipulation. He's so, so cute, and loves giving hugs. Am I attached? Yes, yes I am.

Basically, I help him, his mum and other carers (there are none besies me at the moment) build skills that he can use to improve his quality of life. We're trying to establish the basic skills people need in order to live at least a little self-sufficiently, like feeding himself, bathing himself and recognising the signs of needing to go to the toilet (and subsequently actually going to the bathroom when necessary). His mum is wicked cool and totally my heroine (her life story is epic), her office is great and the system is pretty chill. I'll also eventually be her PA at her migration office.

I also got my licence a couple days after I got my first job! I went and took my Hazard Perception Test, seeing as I had finished my hours. I was convinced I'd failed the test as I'd kept clicking too fast. I was about to adopt the "graceful defeat" face so the lady at the desk wouldn't feel like she'd ruined my day, so imagine my surprise when she was all like "congratulations, you passed!" I went and filled out a couple forms, had my photo taken for my new licence, and was handed my Ps! I was so excited!

Those are more or less the highlights of the past couple months. Suffice to say, these things have made a world of difference in improving my self-esteem and confidence. I'm adulting now, and it's super exciting! Now, all I have to do is wait for university to start up again in March. Le sigh. Uni breaks are far too long, in my opinion.

Hopefully I'll be updating really soon. Thanks for reading!

I know where I'm headed...

After a lot of self-reflection, I've realised that I'm not totally incapable of making decisions for myself. I've always believed my main drive was to please others, and that I built my entire life around doing so. Turns out it isn't necessarily the case. An earlier post shows me as being uncertain about what my motivations behind choosing a career in medicine really were; now I feel I can confidently state that I am doing this for myself.

The more I think about it, the more I envision myself working in the medical environment and enjoying it, despite what I'm sure is a chaotic and stressful environment. I enjoy challenges, so it'll keep my mind going, which is good because I thrive on constant learning; I get bored when situations go stale. Anyway, I realised throughout my whole study period the past few years, not once was the picture in my head, driving me down the path I was going, my parents or my friends or anyone else but me. I wasn't looking for glory or praise or approval. It was just me. Quite happily working in an environment where I'd regularly get to explore the fascinatingly unpredictable nature of the human body.

I've been so caught up in self-doubt about my own desires that I never really considered that I was doing something for myself all along. I guess I finally figured it out.

I'm now absolutely sure I'm not choosing this path for anyone but me. I think a job where I get to help others will help me get a bit of perspective. Sort it out, I guess. If it doesn't happen for me, I have options. But still. I'm back - and I'm ready to tackle the challenge of a career in medicine if it'll have me.

Changed my mind again...

Just as soon as I write to say I'm into historical fiction, I felt myself slipping out of it. After Margaret George's novel I couldn't bring myself to continue with Philippa Gregory's Cousin's War series, the next on my list. I waited a couple days for the urge to hit me; nope. I moved onto another genre instead.

I'm once more back into YA novels. OMG. I never thought I'd be able to read them again, 'cause I went through a long period where I couldn't tolerate the cliches found in pretty much every YA book; you know, the love triangle, the ridiculously perfect (or ridiculously flawed) hot guy, the Mary-Sue girl, etc. But I picked up An Ember in the Ashes by Sabaa Tahir; I read it in three days, after being highly skeptical for the first 50-odd pages. I honestly really really really enjoyed it, and I'm super bummed that the sequel isn't out yet, because I really want to know what happens to everyone. Elias was my favourite character to read about, which was strange because I usually prefer the female character in multi-persona books. But he was so fun to read about, and Laia was really good to read for character development. Elias, though - his chapters were what made me stick around, and I would be flipping pages through Laia's chapters sometimes to see what happened next. Laia got really interesting towards the end though, so hopefully she'll be more of a proactive character for the rest of the series. I really loved the world in this book; at first, all the made-up places and culture baffled me and my brain went into information overload mode, but I got the hang of it. I'm so used to reading stuff about countries and cultures I already know (*hides in shame*). I'm sorta glad it didn't appear to be set in our future; I've read so many good novels, but not great novels, that have sorta tried to emulate the Hunger Games and it just got a bit boring after a while. The historical aspect, the Roman cultural references, were really cool, and a nice way to wean myself off the heavy historical stuff. I'm pretty much done with heavy reading for now, I think. That last book gave me a bit of a headache. But yeah, this book was a really good introduction to this world and the characters, and the ending answered just enough questions to make me somewhat satisfied that I can wait until the next one, without spoiling it all (which shits me because I really wanted to know who Cook was and who the Lioness was betrayed by!!!). Totally recommended.

One of my all time favourite YA series is the Throne of Glass series - for anyone who loves this series, it might shock you to know I haven't read Queen of Shadows yet. The book came out in September, and around that time I was gung-ho classic girl - I had no inclination to read YA novels. I really regret not getting it as soon as it came out, because now I'm stuck waiting for my order from Book Depository to arrive. I'm really antsy to know what happens, and the rating on Goodreads just blows my mind; 4.7 stars! The book is, by all accounts, so good and I don't have it! Damn. 

But what I love about this series is that it only gets better, not worse. I've had a couple bad experiences with series that started good but turned to shit (we all know which one I'm talking about). The first book was pretty good - nothing incredibly special, but still interesting enough to get me to read the next one. And boy, am I glad I did. Celaena is the most bad-ass heroine ever, and I totally love her character! She sorta pissed me off in the first one with her sparkly-dress fetish, but you get over that once you've embraced the pure awesomeness that is Celaena. But the second book - that was the clincher for me. That was what got me really into it. That ending fucked me up big time, like nothing else. I was in a total book-coma after finishing that, and I immediately moved onto the next one (I waited a while before reading the second one because I knew from the reviews that the ending was fucked - lucky). The third one was the best by far. I really enjoyed all the new characters, like Rowan and Manon (yes Manon!!) and I really loved there was no romance in it. It was nice to have a break from that, and it was definitely nice to see Celaena decide there were more important things than mooning over her lover. I'm super excited to see what is in store for the next book. but first I have to wait. Urghhh. I hate waiting. And I love that cover - I want it on my shelf so bad!!! It's so beautiful. 

I haven't really got anything else to say - I've really only just got back into the swing of YA. My next update should have more. After all, I still have the Falling Kingdoms series by Morgan Rhodes and the Remnant Chronicles by Mary E. Pearson to get through. Or maybe I'll decide I like non-fiction. I don't know.

Thanks for reading!

Career confusion

I've always prided myself in knowing where I'm headed - knowing what I want, and how to achieve it. I've always been self-assured when it came to figuring out what it is when I want to leave school. But lately... I just don't really know.

It's obvious even in my first post on here that my aim was to get into medicine. But, after I began my psychology sessions I've begun to wonder if doing medicine is what I really want to do. Throughout my life I've been petted and praised for my ability to use my brain, to the extent that that was basically all I felt I amounted to. A brain. Intelligence. And I feel like, maybe I've taken all that and chosen a career that I felt would please those who see me as a brain. I guess I've internalised all the compliments about my grades and my intellectual ability and have done my best to choose the most prestigious pathway my subject selection has allowed me. And for a long time I insisted I was dong it for myself, to make me happy. But I've wondered recently if I wasn't just hiding behind that phrase because I was afraid to admit that I wasn't doing any of it for myself - I was doing it to please others. That being said, it isn't as though I dislike medicine or wouldn't enjoy it if I ever did do it. But I've wondered if maybe I chose it because I thought it was what everyone else wanted.

Lately I've been feeling more and more an inclination towards literature. As much as it is a hobby for me, I truly don't think I would mind if I could make a career out of it. I certainly would like to study it at university. But I'm a little at a loss for what I could do with it. At the moment, I've done my university application, and I've put a secondary English teacher down as one of my preferences. Many people said when they heard I did that that I don't really seem the type to teach, that it wouldn't be as rewarding as I think it would be, that I don't have the right skill set or temperament... And normally, I'd take all this to heart. But I'm reminded of a conversation I once had with my Chemistry teacher. She told me she was once a shy, mousy girl just like me. She was socially awkward, not confident, and many people told her too that she wouldn't be a good teacher. Everyone now knows what a brilliant teacher she is, even if my grades in Chem aren't all that impressive. She's proved to me that you don't have to listen to what other people think. Besides, I haven't finished becoming the person I was meant to be - I feel like I'm supposed to be more confident, assertive, proud of who I am and more secure in myself. Just because I haven't got to that stage doesn't mean I won't. Just because I'm shy and therefore not quite suited to dealing with classrooms full of naughty children doesn't mean I'll always be.

 

So I'm wondering if I'd end up liking that kind of environment. I mean, they probably do teach you some skills to dealing with children on a daily basis. And I do have a fairly long temper - I rarely lose my shit at people, so that's a character trait that I have in my favour. I see the English department quite often at my high school, and each time I'm struck with how much I'd like to be a part of that environment. The world of literature just feels like home to me, and I want more than ever to be able to find something in that pathway that I could use to make a career out of. If anyone has any recommendations for careers in literature, help a girl out?

So yeah, that's me. I haven't heard from the medical department at the university I've applied to (one of the only ones in my state that is equipped for students to study medicine), but if I get in, I'll definitely give it a go. Who knows - I might just discover that it is what I wanted to do all along. I might decide I want to be a geneticist, or work with diseases or cancer. I might be a literature teacher, or an academic, or a lawyer, or maybe even a history teacher. I don't know. But I have time to figure everything out.

Thanks for reading!