Achieving my personal goals

Sorry for the incredible amount of time that has passed between updates! I want to say that I've been super busy (which I guess I have been), but truthfully I think I just forgot this blog even existed. Fail! So, I thought I'd take this opportunity to reintroduce my life to you all, seeing as heaps has changed from the last post to now. Here we go.

For the past couple of years I've been struggling with depression. It sucks, wanting to do things but having no energy to do it; wanting to get out and socialise but not wanting to make the effort; to go out and have fun but wanting to curl up in the dark and sleep. Feeling anxious and yet not caring at the same time. Feeling everything and nothing all at once. I had quite a struggle last year, when I finally acknowledged that there was a problem that I didn't want to address. Lately, though, I've been doing much better. I'm on a pretty high dose of anti-depressants, and while it is a little scary to think about how much I depend on them to get me through each day, I'm relieved to know that my brain is finally working the way it should. 

I've been seeing a psychologist ever since my little breakdown a couple years ago, and she's been helping me figure out who I am and how I'm going to get through each day. She set me a number of goals at the beginning of 2016; I would make the effort to be more assertive, I'd do study and exercise, I'd get a job and I'd try to overcome my anxiety and get my licence. I've been good at some of these; I skipped the back-chatting stage of puberty, so I'm more than making up for it now (kinda bad, I know, but keep in mind I never used to say what I was really thinking when someone treated me unfairly). I'm able to communicate normally with people on a daily basis without needing to rehearse the conversation, without my heart literally pounding with the anxiety of what I was about to do. I'm confident and happy in my own skin (I used to be addicted to makeup 24/7 because I hated my body and how I looked), and I'm slowly making the effort to socialise more with my friends and other people. 

The biggest issue I've had was finding a job - I've been looking since I finished school last year, but no one wanted to hire me. Seeing as I've never had a job before, I was an entry-level employee that - at 18 -  couldn't be paid a 16-year-old's entry-level pay, so no one wanted to hire me when they could hire another person for less pay. I'm also not experienced enough for the more professional jobs that my particular age group calls for; that is, they assumed I would have experience as an 18 year old.  That and the driving thing. It took me seven goes to pass my Practical Driving Assessment because I got so anxious in the car with a stiff stranger who would be assessing how well I drove. But I finally passed it, and then had to do another 25 hours of driving before I went and sat my Hazard Perception Test. I finished this and went to sit my HPT; more below.

I'm pleased to be able to say that I found a job!!!! I was on all these job search sites, trying and failing to secure a job. One of my uni friends recommended placing an ad on Gumtree, basically saying I was looking for work. I got a couple dodgy replies (I didn't know there were sugar daddies on this side of Australia), but I also got one from a lovely woman who lives in my suburb. We texted and called back-and-forth, I went for an interview in October last year, right before my 19th birthday, and I got the job! She's a single mother with two children, one of whom I'm a priary carer for. He's a little boy with a profound disability (I won't say anything to protect the family's anonymity) that physically and mentally impairs him; he's a teenager, but looks around 6, and acts around 2. He's non-verbal, legally blind, and has several other difficulties that that regularly pose a threat to his safety. But, he's absolutely beautiful, and I've really enjoyed spending the time I have with him so far. He pretends he's more disabled than he is to get what he wants; he's brilliant at bribery and manipulation. He's so, so cute, and loves giving hugs. Am I attached? Yes, yes I am.

Basically, I help him, his mum and other carers (there are none besies me at the moment) build skills that he can use to improve his quality of life. We're trying to establish the basic skills people need in order to live at least a little self-sufficiently, like feeding himself, bathing himself and recognising the signs of needing to go to the toilet (and subsequently actually going to the bathroom when necessary). His mum is wicked cool and totally my heroine (her life story is epic), her office is great and the system is pretty chill. I'll also eventually be her PA at her migration office.

I also got my licence a couple days after I got my first job! I went and took my Hazard Perception Test, seeing as I had finished my hours. I was convinced I'd failed the test as I'd kept clicking too fast. I was about to adopt the "graceful defeat" face so the lady at the desk wouldn't feel like she'd ruined my day, so imagine my surprise when she was all like "congratulations, you passed!" I went and filled out a couple forms, had my photo taken for my new licence, and was handed my Ps! I was so excited!

Those are more or less the highlights of the past couple months. Suffice to say, these things have made a world of difference in improving my self-esteem and confidence. I'm adulting now, and it's super exciting! Now, all I have to do is wait for university to start up again in March. Le sigh. Uni breaks are far too long, in my opinion.

Hopefully I'll be updating really soon. Thanks for reading!