Not sure if anyone noticed, but I changed my blog name and address. Yep - no more A Lit Girl's Life, no more pastel pink and polka dots and backwater nerd-ism. Shit just got real. All jokes aside. I really did feel it was time for a change. I'm not the same girl I was when I started this blog. No, I'm serious. I'll go ahead and tell you.
So I started this blog as a way for me to express some of my feelings - not just for books and my general love for them, but to get what I felt out of myself and into the... stratosphere? Atmosphere? I dunno. Someone explain to me the difference. Anyway, so I was completely repressed this time last year, still denying to myself how unhappy I felt with myself. Looking back over my first posts, even then its obvious to me how uncomfortable with myself I was, how childish I seemed in comparison to today. A lot has changed for me since then - I finally had the breakdown I knew was coming (in retrospect, it was years in the making), and I got help for it.
I'd like to thank my psychologist, Susan. She goes by a couple different names, but this is the Anglicised version (and I don't think it's the proper one?), so I'll use that. I don't know if I'll ever make her read this - actually, I think I'll give her the web address in a couple of months' time when I see her next. This next part is for her.
Susan, I want to thank you so much for everything you've helped me achieve. When you first met me I was sullen, withdrawn and defensive - I didn't want to talk to you, and I was pretty unenthusiastic about you. I was extremely socially anxious, and I could barely talk to people at cash registers - I'd usually make someone else do it. I cried a lot, and I didn't sleep. I was moody, reluctant to communicate with others, and had such low self-esteem that you couldn't even use the term when referring to me. The first thing I remember (and you know how bad my memory is) that really helped me was how you showed me that I wasn't as selfish as I had so long thought I was - you helped me realise that, if nothing else, there was something good about me. That I had kept quiet about how I was feeling to protect my mum, my dad, and most of all my little brother.
You showed me that my habits were unhealthy. I had an abnormal interest in how my brother was raised - I was way too emotionally invested in his welfare. I let people walk all over me because it was convenient to avoid confrontation. I didn't talk to people, and when I did it left me feeling panicked and awkward - even my own family. I was suicidal for a time, and I cut myself a few times - not once did you make me feel like I was a disappointment for failing to stay strong. I was constantly obsessed with the thought of failure - I constantly felt like one, despite everyone and anyone's attempts to convince me otherwise. What I had assumed for years was heartburn and indigestion were in reality frighteningly regular panic and anxiety attacks. I was an obsessive perfectionist, and it just created a black hole nothing could or would ever fill.
Today, I am happy. I sleep well. I smile and laugh all the time. For the past two months, I haven't had a single bad thought or feeling. I don't have mood swings or long periods of apathy or inaction. I am easier to be around - I am more able to socialise now. I no longer feel insecure in conversations with others - I no longer have regular panic attacks (I had one the other day, but that was the first time this year), and I no longer feel anxious or nervous at the prospect of exchanging money for goods at the counter. I no longer rehearse what I'm going to say before I say it. I don't need validation from anyone anymore - I can do it on my own. I have fun. And best of all, every day I look in the mirror and I smile, because I am beautiful.
Thank you for showing me that I can overcome my fears. Thanks to you, I'm no longer afraid of spiders - I'm not terrified of throwing up anymore either. I don't really know if you can relate any of this to therapy, but the improvement started post-sessions, not pre-sessions, so I'm gonna. Thank you for showing me that people aren't scary, and they have feelings and insecurities just like me. Thank you for helping me have a better relationship with my parents and brother - we're normal now, and my mum and dad are my best friends (not Jake, he's a dick). Thank you for showing me that I am beautiful and I am worth something. You've helped me grow and change so much, and I'll never forget it. Thank you.
A round of applause for Susan, everyone! She is truly amazing, and the best person I know. She's done so much for me, and I reckon I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for her.
That leads me to the reason I changed my blog around. I did some serious formatting - I can't tell you how proud I am of my header (or how fucking long it took)! And I changed the title to something I felt fit me a little better than 'lit girl' did. Because I'm a university student now - uni's a lot more social than high school was, and I have a lot more by the way of hobbies and interests to go for now the big wide world is opening up to me. So, gone is 'lit girl' - books will always be my love, but I can't use them to supplement all the good emotions and feelings I felt I couldn't get from the real world. I'm better now. The blog didn't suit me anymore; I outgrew it, as so many of us outgrow so many things in life. So it adapted. Welcome to candidly me. Nothing's changed, yet everything has. The surface change means a lot more to me than a couple fancy knick-knacks. It shows who I am as a person now.
Thanks for reading!
Susan, I want to thank you so much for everything you've helped me achieve. When you first met me I was sullen, withdrawn and defensive - I didn't want to talk to you, and I was pretty unenthusiastic about you. I was extremely socially anxious, and I could barely talk to people at cash registers - I'd usually make someone else do it. I cried a lot, and I didn't sleep. I was moody, reluctant to communicate with others, and had such low self-esteem that you couldn't even use the term when referring to me. The first thing I remember (and you know how bad my memory is) that really helped me was how you showed me that I wasn't as selfish as I had so long thought I was - you helped me realise that, if nothing else, there was something good about me. That I had kept quiet about how I was feeling to protect my mum, my dad, and most of all my little brother.
You showed me that my habits were unhealthy. I had an abnormal interest in how my brother was raised - I was way too emotionally invested in his welfare. I let people walk all over me because it was convenient to avoid confrontation. I didn't talk to people, and when I did it left me feeling panicked and awkward - even my own family. I was suicidal for a time, and I cut myself a few times - not once did you make me feel like I was a disappointment for failing to stay strong. I was constantly obsessed with the thought of failure - I constantly felt like one, despite everyone and anyone's attempts to convince me otherwise. What I had assumed for years was heartburn and indigestion were in reality frighteningly regular panic and anxiety attacks. I was an obsessive perfectionist, and it just created a black hole nothing could or would ever fill.
Today, I am happy. I sleep well. I smile and laugh all the time. For the past two months, I haven't had a single bad thought or feeling. I don't have mood swings or long periods of apathy or inaction. I am easier to be around - I am more able to socialise now. I no longer feel insecure in conversations with others - I no longer have regular panic attacks (I had one the other day, but that was the first time this year), and I no longer feel anxious or nervous at the prospect of exchanging money for goods at the counter. I no longer rehearse what I'm going to say before I say it. I don't need validation from anyone anymore - I can do it on my own. I have fun. And best of all, every day I look in the mirror and I smile, because I am beautiful.
Thank you for showing me that I can overcome my fears. Thanks to you, I'm no longer afraid of spiders - I'm not terrified of throwing up anymore either. I don't really know if you can relate any of this to therapy, but the improvement started post-sessions, not pre-sessions, so I'm gonna. Thank you for showing me that people aren't scary, and they have feelings and insecurities just like me. Thank you for helping me have a better relationship with my parents and brother - we're normal now, and my mum and dad are my best friends (not Jake, he's a dick). Thank you for showing me that I am beautiful and I am worth something. You've helped me grow and change so much, and I'll never forget it. Thank you.
A round of applause for Susan, everyone! She is truly amazing, and the best person I know. She's done so much for me, and I reckon I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for her.
That leads me to the reason I changed my blog around. I did some serious formatting - I can't tell you how proud I am of my header (or how fucking long it took)! And I changed the title to something I felt fit me a little better than 'lit girl' did. Because I'm a university student now - uni's a lot more social than high school was, and I have a lot more by the way of hobbies and interests to go for now the big wide world is opening up to me. So, gone is 'lit girl' - books will always be my love, but I can't use them to supplement all the good emotions and feelings I felt I couldn't get from the real world. I'm better now. The blog didn't suit me anymore; I outgrew it, as so many of us outgrow so many things in life. So it adapted. Welcome to candidly me. Nothing's changed, yet everything has. The surface change means a lot more to me than a couple fancy knick-knacks. It shows who I am as a person now.
Thanks for reading!
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